Thinking of you
by DSISandraPullman39
Summary: My time has passed, my moment lost and now I'll spend my life rejecting second best in favour of memories of you. My goddess, my one true love, the holder of my heart, now and forever.


**Thinking of You**

**Disclaimer:-** Don't own them just borrowing!

**Episode:- **None

**Pairing:- **Jean/James

**Rating:- **T

**Achieve:- ** ** . /group/lewisffarchive/**

**Summary:- **My time has passed, my moment lost and now I'll spend my life rejecting second best in favour of memories of you. My goddess, my one true love, the holder of my heart, now and forever.

**Author's Note:- **Lyrics from "Thinking of you" By Katie Perry quite angsty so be warned. Reviews would be as welcome as an end to this god awful winter!

_Comparisons are easily done_

_Once you've had a taste of perfection_

She smiles at me over the restaurant table yet it's still you I see. Her eyes sparkle with crystal blue but they have nothing on the intense captivating brown of yours. Her smile is pretty yet it fails to make my heart race the way even the hint of one does when it is you who graces me with it. She's nothing short of beautiful and yet I can't see it, I can't appreciate it I can only compare her to you and find her falling short.

_Like an apple hanging from a tree_

_I picked the ripest I still got seed._

You have captured my heart and refuse to let go. You haunt my dreams and control my days. I've chosen you are my "one and only" and even though I know you've drawn the line I can't let go of what I want to be to you. She's telling me about her day, about how much she's been looking forward to our date but all I can think about is what you're doing now. Are you having dinner with him? Are you really able to forget so easily? Do you look at him and think of me?

_You said move on. Where do I go?_

_I guess second best is all I will know_

One night that was all you granted me. One night of seeing the wonder of you. One night when I finally knew my dreams become reality. One night before you stole it away again. You said we needed to forget, to pretend it hadn't happened and go back to how it was and how you feel it should be. What you failed to tell me was how I do that. How do I move on when I've had a glimpse of my heart's desire? How do I settle for someone who will always be second best to me? How do I forget every detail of that night with you?

'_Cause when I'm with her I'm thinking of you_

_Thinking of you, what you do_

Crossing the threshold of my home only makes matters worse. She only has eyes for me yet my eyes betray me seeing only you in every move she makes. She stands too close her body heat melding with mine and I'm pulled back in time my heart aching as in my imagination I'm back to that night. I'm reliving the way you took control showing me how wrong I'd been in my imaginings, you were so much more amazing that I'd dreamed you'd be, so much more beautiful, so much more desirable, so much more of everything than anyone else can ever be.

_If you were the one who was spending the night_

_Oh I wish that I was looking into your eyes._

I know how she's expecting the evening to end. I know because sleeping with her way part of my master plan to forget, to replace the imagines of you that pervade my mind with images of someone else. How stupid could I be to think that would ever work? She stares at me with desire laden eyes and all I can think is that I want to see that need in your eyes again. I want to get lost in their mahogany depths just like I did then. I want to see how their colour seemed to darken as your desire for me increased. I need to drink in how your pleasure danced across them when you gave up to me. No way she could look at me now could wipe those memories away I was naïve to believe it ever could.

_You're like an Indian summer in the middle of winter_

_Like a hard candy with a surprise centre_

_How do I get better when I've had the best?_

Her fingers trace my cheek as she makes her intentions clear and I tense under her touch. When you did the same my body was set alight. It was like the brush of heat from a winter's sun on the coldest day with it's promise of lazy days in the sun that leave you hungering for them and reminds you what it's like to truly be alive. Her touch is like ice to my soul, a cruel mocking reminder that I had what I wanted, what I needed and it's gone. Lost to me forever. I had the ultimate, the goddess that is you and I will never recover from that.

_She kissed my lips I tasted your mouth_

_She pulled me in I was disgusted with myself_

_Cause when I'm with her I'm thinking of you_

Her arms around me, her lips on mine and it's you I taste. The softness of your lips, the way they became one with mine. The smell of your perfume that was so much more subtle and elegant than the clawing sweetness tearing at my senses now as I push her away. In moments she's gone, a mumbled apology from me and a confused goodbye from her as I sink into the corner of the sofa trying to dispel the imagines I've only made more alive in my desire to kill them. Now when I close my eyes you're here with me I can hear each whispered rendition of my name, each sultry moan, each pleasure laden cry. How can you do this to me with just the memory of my skin against yours? How can you cause my every desire to spike at the ghost of recollection of how it felt to make love to you?

_You're the best and yes I do regret_

_How could let myself let you go?_

_Now, now the lessons learnt._

I know I should have fought for you. Demanded that you tell me it meant nothing to you. Asked you since if you had been able to forget as you instructed me to do? I had you and I let you go because you told me it had to be. I failed the test, if test it was. I had the chance, the tiniest of windows, to show you that to me you are everything and yet I let it pass. Well no more, a cowardly act once can be dismissed as stupidity twice would be a clear sign of insanity.

"Can I see you? Just for a few minutes. I need to say something, something important."

The words play over in my head as the hollow laugh rings through the room. The laugh I give in mocking myself and my failure to take what I want and make you understand make you see that it's me you deserve to be with not him. My time has passed, my moment lost and now I'll spend my life rejecting second best in favour of memories of you. My goddess, my one true love, the holder of my heart, now and forever.


End file.
